Good afternoon,


     Today I find myself waiting for class to start, beginning drawing at that. I am listening to a record of Beethoven while sitting in a state of limbo. I cannot exactly express to you why I am in such a state but, I know it to be true. I am here waiting for class to start with nothing to do until then. I have cleaned uip my room a tad and am playing Travian. Also, Kassandra... My girlfriend. It is getting to me a bit how little I will have the chance to see her and also how legitimately she shoves down the throat the fact that she will never want to have children. Ever. I respect her decision but, I do not like it and fear it will cause long-term issues if we were to stay together. Not that we are even close to that obstacle as we are still getting to know one another and have to do that as well as learn to live a distance from one another. I have been alone before but, it seems like a whole different challenge when there is someone out there that you care about. Also, it does not change, my constant hornyness. I am fighting urges and primal desires when I am on campus as girls shorts get shorter and shorter as the sun stays out longer.

Other things that plague me are my lack of energy all day and every day for years. It seems when I am preoccupied I have plenty of energy but, any time my mind is astray I realize that I am about as tired as a Snorlax. My joints are in constant discomfort, especially my knees, and I am thinking of changing my posture to alleviate some of the pressure on my knees. Also, I get the tightness in my chest on both sides opposite my sternum. As if my lungs are compressing. Maybe from smoking, maybe it is lung cancer? Gastric build up? I have no idea, all I know is that it is troublesome and I cannot fight the feeling I have had for years that I have a serious medical issue that is effecting my energy level, focus and memory and perhaps it is deadly. I do not know, I just have a feeling. I have been wrong before but, I have no answers. Did drugs make me stupid and unhealthy or is there something deeper? I wish I knew.

My biggest qualm is my production level which I think can tie in directly to my energy level, focus and memory. If I found this out perhaps I would be able to get back on track. We will see but, I have no Idea how to find this out.

So, I went home for the weekend. My mother offered me gas money Thursday morning to come home and so I did right away. I did things like watching "Daddys Home" which has Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrel in it and it was a cute movie I would say, also we hung around watched TV and just relaxed. Today is Saturday, my mother and I spent all afternoon looking for places to buy kayaks from and we finally settled on two from Sports Authority. We strapped them to the top of my CRV and went to the San Jauquin River right where it cuts beneath Woodward Park. It was beautiful but, the water was cold. My mother hated the way back because we had to walk across rocks to drag the kayaks upstream. I kept laughing my ass off because she nearly cried complaining so much. She was a trooper though. I need to do homework but, don;t really want to lmao.

Kassandra and I want to talk on Skype tonight. Last night went great until the call dropped and we did'n't get back in touch. She finally admitted that she saw me as a 'Ten" even though before she rated me at a "8.5". She was scared to admit she saw me as a 10 because that would make her have to admit how she saw me and she is scared of losing a ten. Begrudgingly I watched porn as soon as we hung up. The call had got me excited. I am getting closer to not having to much desire for porn but, it is such an ingrained habit. She makes me want to stop because I have a reason to follow my heart these days. Day by day though. I like this girl.

I better do my homework. The baby is crying continuously in the background.